Nike's New MLB Uniform Pants Are See-Through and Everyone Is Furious
The Free Friday Post.
Hi friends-
We’ve got some housekeeping items to review before diving into the latest MLB uniform mess.
There will be no Lab tomorrow as I am attending my five-year old niece’s first-ever softball game. <3 <3 <3
Our February book club is “K: A History of Baseball in Ten Pitches” by Tyler Kepner. We will be chatting about the fantastic book in the Substack app on Sunday, March 2, beginning at 10 am and then we will have Tyler in conversation over Zoom on Monday, March 3, from 5:30 to 6:30 PM PT. You don’t have to sign up to join. All paid subscribers will recieve the Zoom link to chat with Tyler!
I’m running a 5K during the L.A. Marathon to raise money for the Hollywood Food Coalition. The Hollywood Food Coalition rescues food from all over L.A. County that is about to be wasted and re-distributes it to dozens of smaller organizations serving people in need. We also feed hot, nutritious meals to 250 Angelenos a night. If you’d like to support me you can go here. I’m almost to my fundraising goal. Thank you!
Save the date! We will be having our first-ever Long Game meet-up at Citi Field on Memorial Day and attend the Mets vs. Dodgers game together. More information coming soon.
Earlier this week, I wrote about the new MLB jersey fiasco. Basically, the big brains at Nike and Fanatics designed and manufactured MLB jerseys for 2024 that look cheap and feel gross and will still cost fans $429 to own.
Pissing off fans is one thing. MLB and its owners often view the people who buy tickets and merchandise and make the money machine go brrrrr as hostages. In the infamous words of Reds’ owner Phil Castellini: “Where are [fans] gonna go" if we continue to be cheap and lose? Pick a new team at age 50? Stop liking baseball altogether?
And for the most part they are right! But by infuriating the multimillion-dollar athletes they have used to build their empire, Nike has created a PR disaster.
The jersey imbroglio wasn’t just some made-up media fascination. Players around the league were quick to scream about how ugly they are. After some blink-twice-if-you-need-help videos from Nike-sponsored athletes saying the new jerseys aren’t actually that bad, Trea Turner cut the crap and told the media that “everyone hates them” on Wednesday.
It got so bad that commissioner Rob Manfred was forced to weigh in. Manfred did what he does best, which is to gaslight the players and fans by saying that change is scary and that the criticism will die down when everyone simply gets used to the league’s new low-quality duds.
And maybe that would have happened had players not tried on the uniform pants.
Reader, they are see-through.
The pants are so sheer that after a Giants player posed for an official portrait yesterday to be used in team promotional materials this year, his testicles made the New York Post. I was going to use what happened to Casey Schmitt as the opening photo to this newsletter, but then I realized it might be non-consensual pornography. People are making jokes all over the worldwide web, but had this happened to a young woman I doubt many people would find it funny at all.
I thought about not writing about it as I did not want to add to Schmitt’s embarrassment (how would you feel in his shoes???). But, honestly: I can’t not write about it because Nike, Fanatics and MLB need to be held accountable for the enshittification of these uniforms at everyone’s expense except for the billionaire executives they enrich.
We joked about how dumb the jerseys looked, but if players are at risk of their genitals and butts being shown on national television every time they step onto the field to do their jobs, this has become a workplace harassment issue.
On top of everything else, there is now a shortage of pants for unknown reasons. “Because they don’t have enough new Nike pants for all players and uniformed personnel, the Reds have told players to plan to wear their old pants for the rest of spring training,” according to Stephen J. Nesbitt, Patrick Mooney and C. Trent Rosecrans of The Athletic.
At least the Reds won’t have to worry about inadvertently putting their bits on display.
So, to recap: the uniform tops are ugly and made of cheap material. The uniform pants are pornographic. And, even if players wear a wetsuit under those pants for modesty, there aren’t enough to go around.
Fanatics CEO Michael Rubin is worth $11.5 billion. Nike co-founder and chairman emeritus Phil Knight is worth $42 billion. Manfred is paid $25 million a year to run the league. Perhaps these three can get on a Zoom call and figure out how to uh, get functional and appropriate pants to MLB players before the regular season begins in 26 days.
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AROUND THE LEAGUE
It’s really frustrating that MLB has taken the spotlight back from the NFL after a long winter and the only thing most people have been talking about this week are the shoddy uniforms. A lot of other stuff you need to know has happened, so let’s get into it!
The Mets announced that ace Kodai Senga has been diagnosed with a moderate right posterior capsule strain in his shoulder. He will likely begin the season on the injured list. David Stearns used the word. “moderate” here, but this is the Mets we’re talking about. When a player on that team suffers from a hangnail, I get nervous it’s going to lead to an arm amputation.
The Pirates gave pitcher Mitch Keller a five-year extension worth $77 million. This is big news because the Pirates usually pay players from the coins they find in couch cushions. You should read this fabulous article in The Athletic about how the Buccos got so comfortable with being deeply mediocre. Bob Nutting is another owner who needs to go.
Speaking of spare change, the Cubs’ middle infield duo of Nico Hoerner and Dansby Swanson have nicknamed themselves “Nickel and Dime”—which also happens to be what the Cubs are doing to Cody Bellinger right now.
Bellinger, Blake Snell, Jordan Montgomery and Matt Chapman remain unsigned heading into the final week of February. Scott Boras reps them all. Giants fans want all four.
The Padres and Dodgers caps for the upcoming Seoul Series look pretty neat.
Hyun-jin Ryu signed an eight- (!!) year deal to go back and play in the KBO. He will be 44 years old when the contract ends.
Recently retired Adam Wainwright is playing the Grand Ole Opry on March 9. He has a beautiful voice and a big heart and I wish him well!
Elly de la Cruz hit a foul ball that smashed the window of Reds teammate Hunter Greene’s car.
MLB Network’s top 10 players right now are: 1. Ronald Acuña Jr. 2. Mookie Betts 3. Aaron Judge 4. Shohei Ohtani 5. Freddie Freeman 6. Corey Seager 7. Juan Soto 8. Yordan Álvarez 9. Gerrit Cole 10. Julio Rodríguez. I can’t believe the Dodgers have three of the top 5.
The Lerner family is no longer pursuing a sale of the Nationals.
The Red Sox signed cancer survivor Liam Hendriks. It will be wonderful to see him back on the field.
The Yankees might sign Blake Snell, which is crazy because they’ve already blown past all three luxury tax lines. If New York gave him a $40 million contract for 2024 they would have to pay $44 million in penalties, which would bring their total Snell outlay to $84 million. There’s a chance a multi-year deal would have significant deferrals, but it wouldn’t help their tax burden much at all.
Shohei Ohtani faced live pitching for the first time since his elbow surgery back in September and homered immediately. He is still working toward being ready when the Dodgers open vs. the Padres in Korea on March 20.
Eric Hosmer retired.
Tim Anderson signed a deal to be the Marlins’ starting shortstop.
Tim Mayza will be the bat boy for the first three innings of the Blue Jays game against the Phillies tomorrow as punishment for finishing last place in the Jays fantasy football league. He will be in full uniform and everything.
That’s all for this week! I’ll have another piece about Rob Manfred this weekend.
"Hyun-jin Ryu signed an eight- (!!) year deal to go back and play in the KBO. He will be 44 years old when the contract ends."
KBO is a great way to start the early morning on the east coast. Games are in the late innings around 7-8am and all games stream for free. The games remind me of MLB from the 70s & 80s.
The top-10 averages were all over .310 (and remember there are only ten teams). MLB has 30 teams and the 10th best average was .293
One KBO player hit 30 HRs, the third most was 23.
Five KBO starters out of ten teams had a sub-3.00 ERA. There five were total in all of MLB.
It's fun and the fanbases are crazy. Looking forward to it.
I LOL'd so hard at the couch cushion line...cuz we all know it's so true with that team :)